It could all be so simple—but sometimes, we make it hard.
These were the words going through my mind during my third, first date with a man who made my skin crawl. I made a promise to focus on myself, only to end up right back where I was.
The truth is, I didn’t want to be alone. The thought of being alone scared me.
Most people may think, what’s so scary about being alone? Honestly, I had no real reason. It could be because I grew up in a big family and was always surrounded by people. Or perhaps it was because I came from a small town where community and constant interaction were the norm.
Maybe, deep down, I just feared loneliness itself.
Be “Lonely” Or Lose Myself
The reality was that I had been conditioned to believe that being single and alone as a Black woman was humiliating, terrifying, and unacceptable. Society made it seem like solitude was something to be ashamed of. And for the longest time, I believed it. That is, until I realized my social, emotional, and mental battery was always running on empty.
I found myself in situations where I gave more than I had, leaving nothing for myself. My life was filled with parties, dates, and events, but none of them had true meaning. I went on a date simply because I was bored. I accepted invitations to events I had no interest in, just to avoid disappointing someone.
Everything I did was fueled by my fear of loneliness, and it drained me.
So, where did that put me? At a crossroads, with two options:
- 1️⃣ Continue doing what I was doing and be miserable.
- 2️⃣ Do something new and different and see what happens.
Surprisingly, I chose something new.
A New Chapter: Living Alone
It was more than choosing something new; I had to do something new. So, I moved out of my mother’s home, got a dog, and lived alone for a year. The first couple of months were scary.
Who was I without the exhilarating nights on Las Olas Blvd and mundane first dates with Mr. Right Now?
After the initial shock had settled, I was truly bothered that all my days and all my time were spent with others, and not with myself.
My first course of action was to learn the beauty of enjoying my own company. I stayed home and wrote in my journal. I watched my favorite shows (and discovered new ones). I cooked for myself, and I challenged myself to explore new things to decide if it was what I liked.
After nine months of being alone, I realized that I had deprived myself of myself and wanted to learn and do more to nurture the woman I was afraid of spending time with. I realized that time is a priceless commodity that should not be wasted but cherished.
A Discovery Of Self
In my solace, I rediscovered myself and addressed parts I was afraid of. After my year of solitude, I found myself being the friend who came out when I felt like it or it was necessary. I began dating with intention and purpose. I felt like a woman with purpose.
Being alone doesn’t mean you have to feel lonely; being alone is the perfect opportunity to check in with yourself, your thoughts, and your feelings. It’s about freedom, liberation, and seizing the opportunity to reconnect with yourself, to heal, and to define what truly matters to you.
My Takeaway
Society promotes being surrounded by people, being at events, and reassuring us to live life the way they define it. But solitude allows you to find peace within, create a life that aligns with your values, and build a foundation of self-love and self-respect.
Being alone sounds terrifying, but it was my first step towards societal emancipation. I was allowed to be myself unconfined. I understood the value of quiet moments, and above all else, loved myself for who I was.
So, if you find yourself in a season of solitude, take it as an invitation to rediscover who you are, nurture your spirit, and let the joy of simply being with yourself fill your life with purpose and peace.
Editor’s Note: This story has been edited and condensed for clarity.
By BrownStyle Magazine in Special Editions
72 pages, published 1/17/2025
