It was a bright Sunday morning when I stopped by my great-grandmother’s house, the way I often did for brunch, laughs, and our soap opera marathons. Between bites of scrambled eggs and her occasional commentary on General Hospital, I asked her for some dating advice.
Without missing a beat, she said, “Back in my day, if I had a date at 8:00, and if he wasn’t here by 8:05, I was already on another date.”
I nearly choked on my coffee.
Eyes sharp, voice unwavering, she gave me that look — the kind you don’t argue with. She said, “Time waits for no man, and neither should you.”
At the time, it sounded like something out of a sassy rom-com, so of course, I laughed it off. But those words stayed with me. Her boldness taught me something powerful: You don’t wait for someone else to show up and make your life feel meaningful. That’s your job. Love will come when it’s ready—but don’t put your life on hold waiting for it.
The Mommy Wounds That Ran Deep
Growing up, my life looked stable. I had the basics—food, clothes, structure—but there was always something missing: warmth. My mother was there physically, but emotionally, it was complicated. She loved in ways that were quiet, reserved, and distant.
Only years later did I come to understand why. She’d lost her own mother when she was five. That grief shaped her, hardened her. She once told me she was afraid to love me too deeply, afraid of bonding with me only to lose me like she lost her mom. As a child, I took that distance personally. As a grown woman, I get it now.
You can’t expect someone to give what they’ve never received. My mother had never been shown what healthy love looked like so she couldn’t give it. I knew she loved me, but her love came through the forms of duty and discipline, not hugs and “I love yous.” Still, that emotional void left me starving for affection.
And like so many young girls with unhealed wounds, I started looking for love far too early and in all the wrong places.
Love In All the Wrong Places
I did everything “right.” Degrees? Check. Career? On point. Apartment? My own. Car? Paid off. Network? Expansive. On paper, I was considered a catch. But somehow, I kept being left uncaught and reeling in all the wrong men.
My dating life was a revolving door of relationships I had no business being in. I was always hoping the next man would be the one to love me the way I needed to be loved. Not realizing that what I actually needed was to love myself enough to stop settling.
I prayed for a man. I begged God. I cried, screamed, and even blamed Him when things didn’t work out. But truth be told? I was the one breaking my own heart. I hadn’t taken the time to get to know myself, and that lack of self-awareness kept me trapped in a toxic cycle of unfulfilling connections.
Then one day, sitting in my car, I heard something on Facebook that changed me. A man, who would later become my pastor. He stated, “It doesn’t matter how many degrees you have, how much money you make, or how good you look, nothing will fulfill you like a relationship with God.”
That hit deep. I wasn’t just searching for love. I was searching for fulfillment. I was placing a responsibility on men that only God could carry and fill a void in my soul.
That was the turning point. I stopped chasing love and started chasing God. I hungered and thirsted after him the way I would for a meaningful relationship. Here’s how that went.
Stop Waiting On A Man — Start Living Your Life
While everyone else was out here praying the “Ciara Prayer,” I changed mine.
I stopped asking for a husband and started asking for wholeness. I prayed to be content in my singleness. Not just surviving it, but actually loving it. I wanted to fall in love with God and with myself.
I turned to scripture and studied women like Ruth and the Proverbs 31 woman. They were walking on purpose. And as they pursued purpose, love found them.
So I decided to make the most of my single season. I traveled to new cities, and sometimes across the globe, with my dog in tow and freedom in my heart. I took myself on solo dates, not waiting for someone to show me a good time. I hired a personal trainer and got in the best shape of my life — body, mind, and spirit. I started therapy and did the hard, holy work of healing.
And slowly… I changed.
Not overnight. Healing is not a quick fix; it’s a daily choice. A messy, imperfect journey of showing up for yourself even when it hurts. Slow progress is still progress, and I learned to celebrate every step forward.
I made new friends. I joined Meetups and networking groups filled with people from all backgrounds, races, and walks of life. I laughed more than I cried. I stopped performing and started becoming. I poured into myself without apology. And most importantly, I learned to enjoy my own company.
Yes, society kept reminding me of the “biological clock.” But I chose to trust God’s timing over man’s pressure. I stopped watching the clock and started watching my growth. I danced to the beat of my own drum, not someone else’s expectations.
Was it perfect? Not at all. I stumbled. I slipped back into old patterns out of loneliness. But I didn’t stay there. I had people who held me accountable, and I held myself accountable, too.
I fell. I got back up. But most importantly, I kept going.
You Are Your Most Valuable Investment
Ask yourself: Would you date you? If not, start there. You are your greatest investment. Pour into yourself. Heal your wounds. Raise your standards. Strengthen your boundaries. Discover your purpose.
Stop pressing pause on your life because you’re waiting for someone to come along and play the leading role. You are the lead. Start acting like it.
And yes, there’s nothing wrong with putting yourself in places to be found. Go out, meet people, enjoy your life fully. Be visible. But don’t make being chosen your life’s mission. Trust me: when you’re living in purpose, peace, and confidence, the right man will find you, probably when you least expect it.
So stop waiting and start living. Because time waits for no man. And neither should you.
Editor’s Note: This story has been edited and condensed for clarity.
By BrownStyle Magazine in Special Editions
72 pages, published 1/17/2025
