Listen. I’ve been a resident of “Singledom” for a little over 9 months now, and as a devoted member of this community, it’s evident that there’s no place for a hopeless romantic like myself. I feel like “the only lover left alive,” in my Jhene Aiko voice.
Now, I’d like to keep this piece as subjective as possible, but I can’t help to give my women’s point of view. Chile…folks play games.
Unknowingly, I’ve been a participant in the game, and I’ve been losing all my lil’ game pieces since day one. I’ve been ghosted and had a man slip up and tell me that he had a girlfriend at the dinner table. I’ve had men stalk me, and even men accuse me of using my publicist skills to stalk them (insert eye roll here… child, please). And like many women, I’ve experienced men not being able to explain what they’re looking for in a woman.
I’ve felt like I’ve experienced it all, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
My Disclaimer
Okay, so boom. I am NOT a relationship coach, guru, or anyone you should be taking dating advice from. (Hell—apparently, I can’t even keep a man so, please proceed with reading at your own risk.)
I wrote this article because dating today feels like a never-ending group project where nobody knows the assignment, but everyone swears they’re the leader. And frankly, I’m just out here trying not to lose my last good nerve (or my lip gloss).
I’m not here to tell you anything or give advice. I’m just here to talk about and pose the questions that folks in the dating world don’t seem to ask out loud: the unspoken rules of dating.
The Unspoken Rules Of Dating
There are literally thousands of books, articles, podcasts, and research studies out there about dating. However, somehow no one ever talks about the real stuff, like why does a “good morning” text at 11:47 am still have us smiling from ear to ear at 6pm? Why do we try to decode a dry “wyd” text like it’s a CIA memo? Why does the suggestion to “go with the flow” somehow always end in confusion?
And don’t get me started about the unspoken rules of dating, which seem to include the following:
- – Be loyal, but not too loyal.
- – Stand on business and set your boundaries. But also, be open.
- – Don’t text back too quickly, and don’t respond too slowly either (determine the vibe to figure out the best timing).
- – Communicate but don’t overdo it (prioritize phone calls vs. text).
- – Don’t spend too much time, money, and attention.
- – Don’t be thirsty, be financially realistic, and always be considerate.
- – Maintain your integrity, have your own life, and never be too available.
- – Don’t bring up past stories, nor talk about your exes, period.
- – Know what you want from the jump and manage those expectations early on.
- – Be emotionally available—or be honest if you’re not.
- – Maintain integrity, especially when tempted.
- – Did something wrong? Take accountability.
- – Be upfront and pure with your intentions.
- – Always be you.
- – Make the space to be vulnerable.
- – Take note of the red flags—and the green flags too!
- – Don’t settle out of fear or pressure.
- – Know your non-negotiables.
- – Don’t date the potential. Date the reality.
- – You can’t change anybody, so don’t even try it.
- – Learn to be open—what you need isn’t always what you’re looking for.
- – Handle rejection gracefully—and deliver it kindly. (Be mature when the tables are turned.)
- – Enjoy the process.
Well, there you have it! These (and so many others) are the unspoken rules of dating. (SMH. No wonder the infamous dating scene will leave you dazed, confused, heartbroken, and questioning yourself.)
Instead of helping, some of these pointless dating rules have caused confusion, ruckus, and resulted in me sitting on somebody’s patio, sipping a margarita, and singing Not Gon’ Cry by my girl Mary J. Blige.
As a hopeless romantic and someone who is dating to marry, I clearly need some help. So, in addition to picking up a few new reads, I sought out an expert!
My Conversation With A Dating Expert
Meet Michele Annaléise Coles— a certified relationship coach, wellness advocate, entrepreneur, and author. Coles recently chatted with BrownStyle Magazine about the things that no one talks about when dating.
I started our conversation by asking her why most people feel as though they are consistently misreading the “vibe” or “rules” in modern dating.
Coles explained that it’s because most people let their ego get in the way. “Some people don’t want to feel vulnerable or feel rejected,” she notes.
To help avoid the stress of the unknown, the coach suggests being straightforward when dating.
“Stop assuming, stop guessing. You shouldn’t have to read the room. Ask the question if you want to know the answer,” she insists. “I’m very direct. I don’t want to waste my time, and I don’t want to waste your time. We all know that we can’t decode the signals, so just ask. With transparency, you can build from there.”
She continues, “It’s okay just to take it one day at a time— we’re adults. And if the relationship doesn’t work, then keep it moving. They’re just not your person, and it’s okay.”
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Feeling Secure In Dating
Feeling safe and secure when dating allows us to be ourselves. It allows us to feel accepted for who we truly are, and it is the foundation of building a strong relationship. If we can’t have this at the bare minimum, then what are we even dating for?
And everyone knows that navigating “situationships” comes with its own challenges. This is why Coles highly suggests being clear with your communication.
“Some people are in situationships and think they are in relationships. They’re confused,” Coles tells us. “That’s why you gotta be clear with exactly what you want. If you’re okay with being in a situationship, just know that you’re not going to get all the relationship perks. You might get a little something, but not the full perks. If you want a relationship, then y’all need to talk. Situationships could be fun if you’re okay with it being that, but if you know you want more, don’t even waste time.”
My Final Thoughts
Listen, I know this wasn’t your typical “5-Step Dating Guide”—and that’s on purpose. I didn’t write this as a how-to, because how to what, exactly? How to survive the Hunger Games of modern romance? Chile, I’m out here dodging red flags like it’s cardio.
Nope, this one wasn’t advice. This was a real-life, lip-gloss-wearing, playlist-making, public self-check. This wasn’t a guide. It was a vent session, a coffee-fueled reality check from someone who’s been ghosted, gaslit, and glamorously confused.
Here’s what I do know though:
- ✨ You don’t have to dim your light just to be chosen.
- ✨ You don’t have to keep dating potential in hopes it magically turns into effort.
- ✨ You can protect your peace, pour into yourself, and still have your soft era—with edge.
- ✨ You’re allowed to want love and not settle.
- ✨ You don’t have to shrink, chase, or beg to be seen.
- ✨ You’re allowed to want more and still laugh at the chaos.
- ✨ You’re allowed to believe in love and also block someone before lunch, if they try you.
- ✨ You can keep your standards high, your boundaries solid, and your playlist full of old school R&B and trap music.
- ✨ You deserve someone who matches your energy, respects your peace, and knows your value.
- ✨ You don’t need to convince or play small. You just need to show up as you—bold, soft, layered, and whole.
So yes, I’m still in Singledom and sipping my favorite iced coffee like it’s gonna manifest my man. But I’m still hopeful and I’m standing on business with my heart open—just not wide open.
While the dating streets are paved with situationships and emotionally unavailable men/women who swear they’re “just going through something right now,” just know that you’re not alone. We are all navigating life and the rules no one talks about.
Editor’s Note: This story has been edited and condensed for clarity.
By BrownStyle Magazine in Special Editions
72 pages, published 1/17/2025
